Another Set Of Lists (Or I'm too lazy to type entire stories so this is the next best alternative)


Alternate Movie Titles For The Singlish Population
1) Hally Potter and that thing that can pui(spit) out names, like the 4-D machine lidat
Actual: Harry Potter and the Goblet Of Fire

2)Emily Rose Kua Dio Gui
Actual: The Exorcism Of Emily Rose

3) Ah Meng Conquers Empire State Building and see Chio Bu
Actual: King Kong

4)Siti Kua Dio Gui while moping floor
Actual: The Maid

Movie Titles That Ought To Change Their Names To the Following
1) A Lot Like Shit
Actual: A Lot Like Love
Reason: Not nice one leh

2)Willy Wonka and his Weird Mannerism
Actual: Charlie And the Chocalate Factory
Reason: Willy Wonka is the Star!

3) Mad-ah? Got scar.
Actual: Madagascar
Reason: I'm making it funnier.

4)Warning: May Cause Fear Of Static on TV
Actual:White Noise
Reason: May Cause Fear Of Static on TV


5)Autumn in My Heart 2
Actual: Windstruck; Korean weepie but funny at the same time
Reason: Cry cry and cry

Appropriate Comments In Key Moments of the Movie... Titanic

1) Wah, the Rose so kiasu... Jack jump, she also want to jump leh

2) Why her name Rose? Not Jill? If not can roll down the hill together leh.

3) Wah, iceberg so small... they won't die one. Aiyoh, die liao. So weak.

4) Why ah? Why got steam in the car? The car engine got on meh? (When JAck and Rose were canoodling in the car)

5)Haha! The girl so stupid, like that also believe she is flying. No wonder the boy so easy get her lah!

LISTS

Things my small sister did that I find annoying
1. She puts a wet umbrella into her bag.Just like that.
2. She eats her snacks on the bed and the crumbs end up on the floor.
3. She asks me along to buy her books in school so that I can help her carry her new Secondary School books.There is only 1 bag of not-so-heavy books to be carried.
4. Says "Deanna...I Looooooooveeee Yooooouuuuu....." in her most act-cute voice.

This tops it all.
5. Checks her hair every 5 seconds even when her hair is a short bowl-shaped 'do that basically shapes itself.

Things I did that makes my big sister pinch me. Hard.
1. Wear her shoes without her permission.
2. Call her fat.

Things that I don't understand
1. Why I can't wear my sister's shoes. She has like a million shoes and but one pair of feet.
2. Why sisters can't get along, but still do.

Of Ghouls, Ghosts and Your Vivid Imagination

Sometimes, sisters can drive one nuts just by doing (or in this case, not doing) simple actions.

Allow me to illustrate.

My room is shared by my big sister, my lil' sister and I. It is actually 2 rooms, with the beds in one room and study tables in the other. There is a sliding door that seperates the two "rooms". To get into the "bed" room, one must go through the "study" room.

Yesterday night, I crawled into bed and prepared to sleep. Just then, my lil' sister comes in and switch on the lights in the "study" room. She slid open the door to the "bed" room, closed it and settled on her bed.

She didn't switch off the damn lights!

So I crawled out of bed, and said to her "switch off the li-i-i-i-g-h-h-h-t-t-t-s-S-S-S"

She whimpered, "I dun wan. I scared."

"SCARED WHAT?! SWITCH OFF THE LIGHTS!!!!!!!"

"dun....wan... I.. scared....."

"PLEASE LAH! SWITCH OFF THE LIGHTS!!!! I TOMORROW GOT EXAM! You don't switch off I cannot sleep!"

"I must sleep with lights on one...."

"WHY?! Go and switch the FRICKIN' Lights off!"

"Dun.. wan... I scared...."

This went on, and on and on, until I threw my pillow on the floor in utter desperation, but still all I got was "Dun... wan... I scared..."

"You switched on the LIGHTS. So switch it OFF!!!! I'm down here, you scared what?!!"

"Dun...wan... I very scared...."

"You don't switch off I tell ghost stories ah!"

"Ehh... dun... wan.... please... deanna.. .dun wan.... "

"Then switch off the lights! You SWITCH ON ONE, so SWITCH IT OFF!!!!"

"Dun wan... I cannot sleep..."

I turned to despicable means- opening up the blinds. It meant that she'll have to stare into the clear dark night sky, which to her is also a VERY SCARY ORDEAL.

"No!!! Pull the blind down... please... pull down the blind... deanna... pull down..."

"You switch off the lights first."

"Dun.. wan...."

This went on again, and again.

I knew my options were limited. 1 is to switch off the lights myself, 2 is to get out of the room. Being ever so stubborn, I chose 2.

My dad was in the living room. He saw me with my pillow and blanket, and said "aie, go sleep. You got exam tomorrow."

"Cannot. She dun wan to switch off the lights."

In no time, my lil' sister was out of the room, and was begging me to go back into the room.

"Deanna... go back and sleep lah..."
"No."
"Deanna...."
"No."

"( My dad) Go and sleep. Go!"
"But she don't want to switch off the lights. She scared of ghosts. How to sleep I ask you?"
"Ah PET(my sister's nickname) switch of the lights! Scared what? Ah na (me), go and sleep."

I went into the room, but not before switching off the lights.
"See. Switch off the stupid lights also dunno. Dunno how to switch off then dun on the lights lah!!"

"....."

I went back into my bed, trying to get back into dreamland. But, she kept whimpering.
"Deanna... I very scared..."
"I'm here lah!!! You scared what?!! Your own house,can? Fine, if you want to be so scared, then I dun wan to sleep with you already."

So I went to the "study" room where there's a sofa and laid there.

"Deanna..." she started, and started poking me with her bolster. "Go back and sleep lah.... go back and sleep lah..."

"No. Go away. Don't touch me."

"Deanna...."

"Tell you to switch off light you don't wan. I copy you wad. Dun wan"

It goes on again for a long time, until my mum woke up and shoo-ed us into our beds, but not before saying to my lil' sister this.

"Scared of your own house for what???!!"

And the ironic thing was, after all that, I couldn't get to sleep. And my sister, who's so scared of the darkness that resides at night, was snoring away after 15minutes!

Again, She Struck!

It was night, again. 7.00pm.

The show "Prince Who Turn Into A Frog" (Taiwanese idol drama) was starting. My lil' sister and I were big fans, so we sat down, eagerly awaiting today's serving of the show.

While watching, my big sister returned home. And she, too, sat down gingerly to watch the drama.

Little did we know, a little drama within the houshold was slowly unfolding.

During one commercial, I noticed on the floor, there was a sewing patch. In its midst, a sharp, small needle was standing upright on the patch. Imagine, if me or my cock-eyed slightly bimbotic sisters had stepped on them, it would be "Crimson Tide" all over. Needle pierce through leg, leg become useless, leg be amputated. GASP!

Well, forgive me if I'm making a big hoo haa over this. You see, I'm quite the bitch when it comes to such things, scrutinising over little irritating habits. (ONLY AT HOME, though, and I have no idea why this split personality)

So I shouted, "OIE! YOU SEE THE NEEDLE POKE OUT! LATER ME AND DISA( Big sister) COCK EYE AND STEP ON IT HOW?"

"Okay lah, SHOUT FOR WHAT? I PUT THE NEEDLE AWAY LAH" My little sister replied. The sewing patch and needle belonged to my lil' sister, who was oblivious to the affirmed fact that her big sisters are quite blind to their surroundings even after 13 years of living together.

Still the resident bitch, I retorted, " WHAT? CANNOT SHOUT AH! YOU VERY IDIOTIC OK, DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO PUT THE NEEDLE ON A TABLE OR OTHER PLACE. STUPID AH"

Like all other (normal) sisters, my sister countered, "WHAT LAH, SHUT UP LAH. YOU THEN STUPID LAH."

So I did what I do best, (still being the bitch)- find MUM.

My mum was in the toilet. She couldn't hear my complaints as my lil' sis storms over as well and said stuff that doesn't really matter.

"MUMMY! BU YOU TING DEANNA DE HUA! TA PIAN REN!"
(MUMY! Don't listen to Deanna! She's lying!")

"BACKSTABBER!" She screams. "Backstabber backstabber backstabber"

"But...," I said. "I'm in front of you complaining!"

My big sister walked past me, my lil' sister and the toilet, and decided to make some helpful comments.

"Aie, not backstabber. Is frontstabber!" She started, then laughs.
"And if the needle really poke us, then become footstabber!"

I don't need comic relief. Really, I don't.

A Climax Like No Other

It was night. 9.15pm.

My family was in the living room, ableit my mother who was sleeping in her room, watching the tube like the average suburban family.

We were tuned in to three different channels all at the same time. It was all too easy switching from show to show, programme to programme, being the short attention span-ed people we are.

Until we stumbled on Channel 5's "Table For 3".

No no. I'm not saying the show got us stuck. Nor am I saying the show sucked. I'm not judging at all.

"Table For 3" was a show about lunching with celebraties, and today's episode was on child stars. When we tuned in, Megan Zhang, the 2nd guest was already at the dinner table. She spoke perfect singlish. "In the show (Three Good Men), my friends ask me where is my father. So I bluff them." It'd make Phua Chu Kang proud.

Power (or the remote) lies in my dad's hand. He did the inevitable and changed channels yet again. A whimper from my lil' sister could be heard. She wanted to watch the show because afterward, the special guest would be a certain Mr Joshua Ang, dashing heart-throb in the eyes of tweens.

My lil' sister was a bona fide tween.

She immediately marched into our room and switched on the tv. Soon after, a HUGE shriek could be heard, followed by endless chanting. It goes like this...

"AHHH! Joshua Ang is so SHUAI" (handsome)
"Ahhh! Joshua Ang hen shuai!"
"Ahhh!"

Immediately, I thought she'd stumbled on a free porn channel or something, hence the excitment.

The next shriek came from my beloved mother, who took the trouble to awake from her slumber to investigate the noise.

"Siao ah ne! Ne shen jing bing ah! Ne zou mo! Siao Cha Bo!" My mother said.
( Literally, crazy ah,you! You mad! You what happened? Crazy woman!)

"But Joshua Ang hen shuai!( very handsome) Ahh! Ta hen shuai (ahh, he's very handsome)," my sister replied.

"Ne bu yao chao la. Siao eh. Han han han zou mo? Xia si ren ah!"
(You don't shout la. Crazy. Shout shout shout for what? Frighten people to death ah")

And all this time, I was laughing hysterically. Should have seen the look on my mother's face!

An episode within an episode. Go figure.